uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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