his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
