I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
