so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
