This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
