My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
