hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
