he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
