Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
