Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
