Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
