So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
