Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
