can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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