i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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