My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
