She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you would pick up someone in the library
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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