I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
