So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
