apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
They took my balls.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
