it wasn't lemon gatorade
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Even my vagina gasped.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
