they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
