I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
