My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
