I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
