You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
