I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Damn victory sex feels great
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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