Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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