i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
