I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
