someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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