8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
