??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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