Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The best revenge is premature balding
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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