if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
