Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
