Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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