So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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