I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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