I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
