Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize