Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
