I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
