haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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