I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
This house was built for laser tag.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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