he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
