Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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