32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
