The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
