so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
