um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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