He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Did I show you my penis last night?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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