It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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