we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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