We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
two words...techno handjob
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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