I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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