We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
