I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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