i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
