just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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