My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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