i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
