I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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