I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
