Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize