I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
