Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Actions speak louder than pants.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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